I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
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DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
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Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.