I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
WTF IS THAT!
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Housework is boring, and it is futile. You make the bed, you do the dishes. Six months later, you got to start all over again. JOAN RIVERS
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
