I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
So, slam poetry is not a wrestling move, the more you know
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
The only problem I have with chocolate is that one minute it’s there and the next it’s not.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
