I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
