I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
I distinctly remember someone asking me to do them a favor and me responding with an enthusiastic “consider it done”…but that was a few weeks ago and I can’t remember who asked or what the favor was 😬
Got into the habit of meowing like a frustrated cat at every mild inconvenience at home. Did it at work today.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
DO YOU MEAN YOUR FRIEND GROUP?????
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
