I got one brain cell left & it moves around my head like a windows screensaver
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Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
