Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”

Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it

Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?

Me: Two.

4-year-old: It was nine.

Teaching her to count was a mistake.

Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”

My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school

scares

I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*

‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’

I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.

“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.

My 4yo came home carrying a bunch of rocks. I was like “where are those rocks from?” And he goes “Pangea” which I guess isn’t wrong but I would like him to be more specific.

Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?

Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.

Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?

Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.

Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body

Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”

Me: “That’s kind of the point.”

You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs

Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.

Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.

7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?

ME: slowly

7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?

I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.

Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.

I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating

Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*

Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*

I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)

it must be school picture day

The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.

Who called it girl math and not galgebra?

I’m still traumatized about being shaken down for lunch money by the third grade bully. What makes it worse is that I was his third grade teacher at the time.