I got one brain cell left & it moves around my head like a windows screensaver
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Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
surfer priest: so, like, jesus & his bros were at dinner one night & he stood up & said, “the one who doesn’t order the fish tacos is gonna, like, totally betray me,” & his bros were all, like, “no waaay, we wouldn’t do that,” & judas was, like, “i’m sooo sick of fish tacos.”
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.