I got one brain cell left & it moves around my head like a windows screensaver
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yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.
When your parents check you’re ok.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property