I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
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*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.