I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
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Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
Still cracks me up
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Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
What do you call a woman that sets her credit card bills on fire?
Bernadette.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
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Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.