I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
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Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
One of my favorite stories about the great James Earl Jones is that when he did voiceovers, he asked for a bowl of fruit, and after his session was finished, he dumped all the fruit in his bag and left.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
“Is that a banana in your pocket?”
-banana farm security, checking workers as they leave for theft
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
A short story about romance.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.