Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”

Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?

As I’m moonwalking away, they didn’t even notice I had stolen a brownie.

Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah

ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them

MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long

ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them

Her: I’m really into eating clean.

Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.

Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.

Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.

A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?

The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:

“How I Met Your Mothra”

[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?

He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.

i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head

When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city

My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.

“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”

-my family

me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit

I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.

My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.

I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car

After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.

We believe you.

If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda

Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!

Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.

I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese

“So you want a cheeseburger?”

Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad

If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?

Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.

Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?

Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?

[creating animals]

God- I want an animal with 2 humps

Angel- And a cute face?

G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans

A- LOL

G- LOL

If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.

I did not take a DNA test…

Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…