Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘Hey look, hot dogs!’

Dogs: *blush* omg thanks

When a leg cramp sneaks up on you, that is a Trojan Charley horse

At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.

“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”

One cool thing about getting older is that you’re not asked about your long term plan very much.

COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.

ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.

I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.

Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,

WE HATE YOU!

Sincerely,

Everyone born in December.

Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you

The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.

My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills

It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.

skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. that’s the toddler injury

What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂

A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.

Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B

Me: Hell ya I do

I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.

Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one

*controversially pours a glass of milk*

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.

i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit

When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying

[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys

I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.

Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth

Cricket Audience: *goes wild*

Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd

911 what’s your emergency?

Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me

911: How is that an emergency?

Me: It’s attached to her gun

Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad

So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché

I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.