I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
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“Cows kill more people than sharks.”
“I’m surprised cows kill any sharks at all.”
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.