I got patted down by airport security.
Apparently, I am not supposed to reciprocate.
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I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
This is not an empty room, this is a very succesful anti-party
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
I’m spending today at the third day of a three day antiques fair. I waited until the third day because I wanted the antiques to be as old as possible.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew