Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless

Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.

Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.

*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work

If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her

*puts dreamcatcher above bed*

“Sure hope this works”

*wakes up in the middle of the night*

*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*

“YES”

After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”

* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.

Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*

Her: what’s this?

Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms

if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry

Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”

I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.

you: let’s get this bread

j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye

[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute

is the cheesecake factory menu on audible bc i’m not reading all that.

There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”

Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.

My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.

I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.

My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning

Some things are better left unsaid

Tequila – No they’re not

Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.

Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING

If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all

Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.

Me: Wanna bet?

jfc Caroline my wife almost saw this

Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.

*gently puts my sense of humor in rice*

*has elbow pain*

*checks WebMD*

*buys a burial plot*

I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…

Apparently this was NOT the apple watch she was expecting for her birthday

Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busy

Friend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE

Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57