I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
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me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache