I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
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I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
If you want to mess with a pompous English major, tell him you’re “flustrated.”
Male writers often compare women to dessert foods. E.g. ‘She had brown chocolate eyes and cherry red lips.’ Whereas, they tend to describe men using savoury foods. E.g. ‘His leg was like a massive baguette.”
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
walking out of the bob dylan movie and wondering why I didn’t know any of the songs or why he was a monkey
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
One cool thing about getting older is that you’re not asked about your long term plan very much.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
felt that
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed