I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
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We couldn’t come up with anything better than “open-face” to describe a sandwich without a top? Open-face is what happens when you encounter a bear in the woods.
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
This one’s “Alex”.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Wise advice
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Monday
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.