I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
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FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
On the face of it alcohol is so funny – you can take a potion that makes you so good at driving the government has to make it illegal
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
7: Momma, I need $10
Me: Why?
7: I can’t tell you.
Me: Then I can’t give it to you.
7: (sigh) Fine, it’s for a deal I made at school.
Me: A deal!?
7: (big sigh) I’m bringing money, Carson is giving me toys.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
Me: I’m not old
My phone flashlight that’s been on for an hour for no reason:
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am