I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
Short story
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
I’m not defending anyone, I’m just saying I’ve seen some sexy couches.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
My coworker just told me this funny joke.
A web developer and an SEO expert walk into a bar, bars, nightclub, pubs, tavern, beer, alcohol, drinks, alcoholic beverages, bars in my area, places to drink.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
you can lead a squid to water but you can’t make it ink
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
