Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.

“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.

Mmmmm white people

– sharks

Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*

*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall

Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?

{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}

Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.

Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.

Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.

“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”

[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]

Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*

I never dropped acid in college but I did drop American Lit, Intro to Philosophy, General Chemistry and Phys Ed.

wife: did you vacuum under the couch

me: yep I did the whole basement

[talking to a frat bro]

Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.

[at airport]

TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.

ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning

[during sex]

ME: I’m Italian, how about you?

HER: Finnish

ME: Ok sure just give me a second

“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats

Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy

All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.

At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒

PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD

Signed: nOt The cAt

As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind

If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad

friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.

me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?

Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success

Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine

Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.

The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.

imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit

Her: *5 paragraphs of text

Me: 👍

My dad is in Hawaii for travel…