Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today

Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.

RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.

In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.

What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?

All is fair in drunk and war.

When your diet is finally over.

I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.

“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.

Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter

The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.

Happy Halloween!

Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper

i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit

7-year-old: You got a letter!

Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.

7: Not if you throw it away.

She’s my financial planner now.

[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo

Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.

It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.

I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.

[15 years ago]

Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana

[Now]

M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!

I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.

*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE

What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.

Mary had a little lamb.

The doctor fainted.

Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.

*in court*

judge [belches]: pardon

me: thank you!

I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream

My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat

So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.

My wife just looked over at me, dreamy look in her eyes, sighed deeply, and said ever so softly, “I love soup.”