I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
You Might Also Like
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
Rorschach tests are like so easy. Everything’s either a demon or a butterfly and it’s up to you to decide.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
I’m not coming down from this tree until the mayor agrees to save this park from demolition or sends a really tall ladder up here, maybe places some mattresses around the base.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
He said, “I like talking to you because we’re intellectual equals,” and Reader, it took everything I had to quietly nod.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”