Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands

“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.

Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face

My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy

I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.

“Kill it!!”
“Relax Sam, it’s just a spider.”
“KILL IT!”

My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.

H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.

M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!

H: Have you been day drinking?

*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*

Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.

*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*

What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it

person: nice cheese

inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets

It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic

Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok

it’s the silliest best thing

Are you stupid, sand? You could just lay here forever on this beautiful beach, but no, you have to try with all you’ve got, to come with me in my stupid f****ng car

It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer

First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.

If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.

*Show and tell day*

Me: You know what to do?

Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”

Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl

“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*

When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.

“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack

I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.

How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.

Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.

*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*

It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.

“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”

– Abraham LinkedIn

Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.

Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.

Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.