I got pulled over ONE TIME when my daughter was with me and now whenever she sees a police car she says her own special little prayer of “please god let my mom drive normal”
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“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
woke up in the middle of the night to write this down
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.