I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
You Might Also Like
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
Do kids still eat Tide Pods? I forgot to buy candy.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*