Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?

I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!

I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.

8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?

ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?

told my gf that i’m “really into getting itchy lately” and that i am “low key in my itchy era” but it turns out i was having an allergic reaction

Me: Want a back rub?

Wife: It depends

Me: On what?

Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?

Me:

Wife: No. The answer is no.

It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.

If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life

I wonder who thought it was a good idea to put dart boards in bars.

my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.

H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.

ME: (dead silent)

ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.

Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.

I just found a little piece of waffle in my pocket in the event you’re attracted to mysterious men

just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate

I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.

[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.

My neck, my back, my…

Wife: Did you hear what I said?

Me: No, I was in a different room.

Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?

Me: …

[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?

Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:

Sup, girl?

Gemma Correll

My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life

My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about

JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees

You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.

I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…

Her: “Move.”

If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.

I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.