I got rejected on my very first blind date and I don’t understand why.
My date asked me if I had any pets and I said that I had a goldfish. Any hobbies? I said yes, he likes swimming.
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Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
I don’t hate you I just wish your next period is in a shark tank
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
whoever named the meatball absolutely nailed it
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.