Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.

My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*

saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her

*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them

REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house

i don’t understand the parking brake in my car, like when does my car need to be “more” parked than it is

Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.

BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.

BEAST: What do you mean?

LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?

RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much

“Yes, I need to check in.”

“Sir, this is a burn unit.”

“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”

Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.

2: ok

Jack is coming over.

“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]

Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.

The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.

If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔

glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.

*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch around

Are these the stairs that guy dragged you down?

My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.

Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.

I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.

The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy

trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.

My manifesto is mostly just pizza topping ideas.

god!! did anyone stop by your house and drop off your award for having that opinion earlier than most people?

[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.

FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth

ME: Really? Which one?

FRIEND: Katie

ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth

*waits to answer so he misses me*

(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough

At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.

100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.

Me: *gets comfortable*

Life: Just one more thing …