I got rejected on my very first blind date and I don’t understand why.
My date asked me if I had any pets and I said that I had a goldfish. Any hobbies? I said yes, he likes swimming.
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My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
Milking stools only have three legs, because the cow has the udder.
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
doing some research
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
I’ve learned enough Spanish to dream in Spanish, but I can’t understand what the fuck anyone is saying 😀
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”