I got rejected on my very first blind date and I don’t understand why.
My date asked me if I had any pets and I said that I had a goldfish. Any hobbies? I said yes, he likes swimming.
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The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
Final Destination ruined two of my favorite things. Rollercoasters and sharing the road with log hauling trucks.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?