I got rejected on my very first blind date and I don’t understand why.
My date asked me if I had any pets and I said that I had a goldfish. Any hobbies? I said yes, he likes swimming.
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Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
Wife: Did you hear what I said?
Me: No, I was in a different room.
Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?
Me: …
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.