Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.

Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?

Swallow: *Blushes*

Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”

Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.

I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.

The name Ella is short for Mozzarella

I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.

goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.

It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.

Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”

Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”

I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?

ME: [bird watching]

PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.

rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no

I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery

Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.

If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.

[store window advert – 50% off everything]

me: is everything really half off?

sales assistant: absolutely

me: even this $750 suit?

sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout

me: I’ll take it

sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please

my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats

“Susan, will you marry me?”

“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”

Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.

I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?

when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye

My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.

[Dracula bites a pig]

Me: ohhhhh, hampire

officer: give me your name

me: then what am I going to use?

99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.

I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.

I must’ve been sleep wokking again.

Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?

Me: I got fired?

All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.

me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents

Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.

There are plenty of fish in the sea.

There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.