Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.

PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?

*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW

*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER

It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas

I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry

I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.

Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse

[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this

Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.

Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid

Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity

My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.

uncle dave has been through hell

SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive

Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?

SEGA:

Nintendo:

SEGA: well that would have made sense

A short story about romance.

My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:

“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”

Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok

[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either

What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.

Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*

exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts

ceo: what’s the name

exec: duran duran duran

ceo: that’s way too many durans

exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir

ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans

exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir

I tried to stifle my laughter as best I could, but in my defense, you did have an interpretive dance at your wedding.

We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.

[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.

“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”

Two seconds later:

On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”

Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…

Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.

Video games gave me very unrealistic expectations of the healing properties of rotisserie chicken.

My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.

After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.

[me, stacking babies on top of each other]

Him: Wha…What are you doin there?

Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.

Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.

Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”

Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”