Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.

this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same

Him: What long nails you have!

Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.

*dating is easy

It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.

starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes

Make me an entire website @funTweeters!

If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me

where’s Godzilla when we need him

Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.

If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows

Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?

Me: Yes, thanks.

You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.

ME: What’s the capital of Germany?

SON: G

ME: So college is a no then?!

doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?

me: i’m doing my best

doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?

me: best doesn’t mean good

Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?

Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.

My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.

(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)

Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not

Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.

[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.

Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.

Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.

do u think the guy who names hurricanes chooses the names of people he loves or is mad at

[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?

Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.

“An eye for an eye?”

– a cannibal at a swap meet

No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.

ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery

Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.

Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.

If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket

My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster