Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.

Twitter: Yes you can.

Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?

Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”

[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.

This is Huahua. He was told not to chew on the furniture. Which he isn’t. He is chewing under the furniture. 12/10

[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-

Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.

No selfies while hijacking a train.

(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)

Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.

Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.

Group: *all rushing to place bets*

it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july

Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause

“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”

My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.

Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.

Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all

Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?

7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.

All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.

me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—

whoville 911: what was that

me: the grinch robbed me

whoville 911: no the weird part

Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.

Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.

Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?

Director: you mean a choir?

Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?

When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.

Did it again.

Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes

I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.

Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.

I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business

Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”

The Salad:

I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.

[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this

idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels

“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.

Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.