I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
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when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
‘m developing a new fragrance for introverts
It’s called “Leave me the fuh cologne”
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
This kid is going places
House sitting for friends while they’re out of town. Never knew Rob kept a diary.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.