Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”

me: have you seen my hoodie?

her: you mean our hoodie???

I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.

This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo

If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.

The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.

Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back

Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber

Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?

I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off

I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.

[interview]

Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked

“Why are you naked?”

dammit

There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.

***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.

In high stakes spycraft, no one suspects the clumsy woman. They call me The Black Oops.

Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”

Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”

If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE

[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it

[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair

[first date]

Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.

My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.

SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.

I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.

TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation

If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.

“Don’t ask.”

Oh. I wasn’t even listening.

I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.

I like to think I’m smart

Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground

“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression

Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day

[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.

[Dinner party]

ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.

HOST: MY TURTLES!

Being alone at Christmas can be challenging. People keep inviting you to things so you have to be very firm.