I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
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LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
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Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
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Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
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[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
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Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.