I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
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Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
I saw nothing
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
The Burt Reynolds in me says go for it, but the Wile E. Coyote in me knows how it’ll end.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Never let them know your next move 😂
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.