Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.

not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately

All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.

My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.

*God creating the rhino*

God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.

When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.

I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.

It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…

*first year living alone*

Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what

He has no idea 🤡

I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..

GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.

JESUS: What’s a martyr?

GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?

Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer

sitting next to you on an empty train and clicking my stopwatch every time you turn a page in your book

I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.

Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.

You’d better have a great day today

Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪

From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills

she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds

*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?

My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”

*telling the bus driver to stop at the sperm bank….
“This is where I get off.”

That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself

What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue

Griddle me this!!

– Batman villain ordering breakfast.

Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.

Me: *jumps in front of a car*

Her: Dear, not deer.

My soul floating away: Craaaaap.

you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.

Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.

Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.

3yo: *follows me into bathroom*

Me: “Privacy, please”

3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*

“Now we have privacy, Mommy”

About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.