I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.
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Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
(making small talk with a couple) so have you guys ever cheated on each other?
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
This will never not be funny 😭
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
My wife is pregnant and we met the doctor that said he would deliver our baby.
I told him that I would prefer our baby to still have his or her liver
January 1st: anything is possible
January 2nd: but not today
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.