I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.
You Might Also Like
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Flex on your kids by asking “are we there yet?” before they do
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
Friend at work gave me some edibles. So I’m taking the train instead of driving.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.