I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.
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Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
wife is going to Sarajevo for work and my father in law was like “be careful, that is not a safe country, archduke Franz Ferdinand was shot there”
I’m offering a new service for billionaires to visit the OceanGate Titan sub wreckage for the low, low price of $250,000.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it