Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Do you want to hold my baby?”

Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.

Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.

Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?

Brad Pitt: Let him stay.

American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.

There’s an envelope on my doormat with “DO NOT BEND” on it. What am I supposed to do, then – pick it up with my foot?

When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.

“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.

At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.

I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security

When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.

I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.

Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.

Props to just stopping in the middle of the grocery aisle. Personally never tried it, but it seems big.

Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.

ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol

SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from

The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends

The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.

My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.

[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.

The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.

i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.

Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”

I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?

You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.

No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.

I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.

When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.

Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.

When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work

Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.

I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.