I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
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My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Orcas are not our friends
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
Miscakes
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?