I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
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If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Best spoiler warning ever
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Breakups are hard but have you ever been disappointed in the food you ordered
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.