I got so many steps at IKEA that my smart watch messaged me to ask if it had been stolen

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A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.

-tweeted from my hospital bed


– We buried my mother-in-law yesterday.
– Sorry to hear that. When did she die?
– My guess would be sometime this morning.


Me: how much for the horse kabobs

Ride operator: it’s a carousel


“What do you like to do in your free time?”


“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”

8 years ago.


If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss


The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.


There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t


Want to know the real reason girls go to the bathroom together?

The air hockey table.

All our bathrooms have one.