[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
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2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!