Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
I got so many steps at IKEA that my smart watch messaged me to ask if it had been stolen
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Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
3yo: make me oatmeal
me: *poof* you’re oatmeal
me: *makes oatmeal
Me: Why do you love me?
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
Sometimes I get mad about having to unload the dishwasher but then I remember a machine just washed my dishes for me.
AGE 21: I haven’t slept in 3 days cause of finals but I’m gonna party all night and do a pub crawl tomorrow
AGE 35: Sorry I’d love to come to dinner but my eye is watery and I’m gonna be resting for the next week
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.