@divergentmama

I got so many steps at IKEA that my smart watch messaged me to ask if it had been stolen

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@JohnLyonTweets

A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.

-tweeted from my hospital bed

@SamuelHLowe

– We buried my mother-in-law yesterday.
– Sorry to hear that. When did she die?
– My guess would be sometime this morning.

@BoogTweets

Me: how much for the horse kabobs

Ride operator: it’s a carousel

@dadopotamus

“What do you like to do in your free time?”

Golf.

“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”

8 years ago.

@meganamram

If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss

@jellybnbonanza

The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.

@Bob_Janke

There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t

@OfficialMizGin

Want to know the real reason girls go to the bathroom together?

The air hockey table.

All our bathrooms have one.