
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
I got so many steps at IKEA that my smart watch messaged me to ask if it had been stolen
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
3yo: make me oatmeal
me: *poof* you’re oatmeal
3yo:
me: *makes oatmeal
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
Sometimes I get mad about having to unload the dishwasher but then I remember a machine just washed my dishes for me.
AGE 21: I haven’t slept in 3 days cause of finals but I’m gonna party all night and do a pub crawl tomorrow
AGE 35: Sorry I’d love to come to dinner but my eye is watery and I’m gonna be resting for the next week
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.