@divergentmama

I got so many steps at IKEA that my smart watch messaged me to ask if it had been stolen

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@SteveSuckington

Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.

@turnageb

Whenever you see a very specific sign prohibiting certain actions, it means someone has done that thing before.

@LDLevesque

I always envisioned Hermione as a burly, middle-aged Italian fellow, so imagine my surprise when the films revealed her to be a little girl.

@clichedout

her: what’s up

me: i’m in my car driving

her: cool where

me: in the front seat

her: no like what location

me: driver’s side

@UncleDuke1969

“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”

Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”

@DaddyJew

What the hell do you mean Buzzfeed isn’t a reliable news source, it knew exactly what kind of pancake I’d be

@curlymalloy

Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.

@damagedave

She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster

@Cheeseboy22

I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?