@divergentmama

I got so many steps at IKEA that my smart watch messaged me to ask if it had been stolen

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@rickygervais

Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.

@AdamOfEarth

Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”

Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”

@novicefather

3yo: make me oatmeal

me: *poof* you’re oatmeal

3yo:

me: *makes oatmeal

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Why do you love me?

Wife: *shrugs*

Me: Why do you find me annoying?

Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*

@daddydoubts

Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.

Friend: That’s good to know.

Me: It’s actually much worse than that.

@_ElvishPresley_

ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?

HER: I asked if you were a “people” person

ME: ohhh…definitely not

@melissaFTW

I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”

@sammyrhodes

Sometimes I get mad about having to unload the dishwasher but then I remember a machine just washed my dishes for me.

@Home_Halfway

AGE 21: I haven’t slept in 3 days cause of finals but I’m gonna party all night and do a pub crawl tomorrow

AGE 35: Sorry I’d love to come to dinner but my eye is watery and I’m gonna be resting for the next week

@Darlainky

I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.