Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
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a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
In hell your pizza delivery guy is a snail.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
My doctor told me exercise will add years to my life. It’s true. I just did 10 push ups and feel like i’m 80
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
I just canceled a date because I wanted to make chocolate chunk cookies tonight instead. Yeah I’m gonna die alone. But with cookies!
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Like most parents, my wife and I love to proudly watch our beautiful little daughter whilst she sleeps.
Freaks her husband out though.