@urmumsausername

I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.

You Might Also Like

@omgthatspunny

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

@OBiiieeee

a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again

@daplusk

My doctor told me exercise will add years to my life. It’s true. I just did 10 push ups and feel like i’m 80

@13spencer

A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.

@skittle624

My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.

@AbleLikes

I just canceled a date because I wanted to make chocolate chunk cookies tonight instead. Yeah I’m gonna die alone. But with cookies!

@EndhooS

[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park

@_UltimateTwit

Like most parents, my wife and I love to proudly watch our beautiful little daughter whilst she sleeps.

Freaks her husband out though.