I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
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Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
A billionaire has built a submersible, saying he wants to prove it’s still safe to visit the Titanic. Somebody tell these guys it wasn’t even safe to be ON the Titanic!
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Get in the car. We’re either getting ice cream or committing arson. I’ll decide on the way
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
bears
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
