I got soap in my shower beer again.
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How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
*3.5 thank you very much.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
*jazz hands*
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.