I got soap in my shower beer again.
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oh. I see you’ve gained some weight.
-my mirror
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
they say if you lose one of your senses the other ones become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day by just looking at them.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
💀💀💀💀
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.