Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *flirts*

Anyone watching:

*1st day of shooting —Naked and Afraid*

Me: I’m not worried. This will be easy.

Producer: We need to take your shoes—

Me: I quit.

Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.

So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.

I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials

if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle

Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?

~ asking for my cat

Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.

Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.

Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!

Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?

I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years

me: you want to lose your mind?

BM: yes

me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children

BM: right

me: ah, I see the difficulty

8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?

Me: I want you to do some chores.

8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.

Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.

No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.

you telling me a banana nut in this bread

Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood

I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.

ok hear me out: Luigiana

lol

I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.

Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.

But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?

The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.

Follow me for more life hacks.

I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.

[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve

Economists trying to explain how inflation is real

is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies

I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.