Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.

My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.

Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.

5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.

Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.

Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.

I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.

Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.

ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*

MOM: *shouting* use your words!

MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!

I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.

dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton

baa baa black sheep: uhhh

dealer: *narrows eyes*

farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made

*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*

13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.

A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”

So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.

if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body

I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.

*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised

when people give me directions and they’re like “you can’t miss it” i’m like, oh you do not know what i’m capable of

Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.

Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:

They shrink everyone on earth on purpose

The planet will never run out of resources

Everyone is eaten by ants

One hamburger please

CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here

Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please

Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.

Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:

I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.

AHHH!!! Don’t look at our website with a website browser!! We’ll DIE ! Use our app!!!!!! click this!!

[button that does not open the app, redirects to the app store]

Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*

SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP

Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.

Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.

honey, bring out the fine china.

addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother

Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.

Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.

I haven’t run out of receipt yet.