Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.

“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.

Do not go gentle into that good night,

Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.

Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?

someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol

I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK

“I’m very proud of my teeth. I’m going to show the humans my teeth. They’ll love them.” —Great White Sharks, probably.

Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!

My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?

Me: Um, can you be more specific?

Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments

Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-

Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call

When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.

Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.

[my first day at Marvel Comics]

Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!

Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!

A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house

My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol

AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!

THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man

*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.

WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool

3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in

My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.

[princess gets captured in a castle]

[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]

“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers

Obsessed with when babies see a younger baby and say “baby!” Like girl, ur the Spider-Man meme right now

Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.

could’ve been anyone

FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30

Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.

things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…

Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing

Me: Go get everyone for dinner please

6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!

Me: I meant go walk and get them

6: But I like using my mommy voice

Me:

6: The screaming

Me: I got it