Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.

“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.

“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.

Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?

ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.

COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for

One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.

And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.

‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.

the way he checked his surroundings 😭

“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.

When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.

I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.

I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.

The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.

If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.

My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s

Me: *lifts couch cushion*

6yo: what are you looking for?

Me: six thousand dollars

4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!

*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!

[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??

Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.

PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS

ew if literal: let me be clear

All I’m saying is, maybe the designers of this statue could have worked a little harder to find an inspiring Rod Serling quote.

Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”

Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?

Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?

Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.

Mine has been gone 6 years.

I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?

[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed

Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.

“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”

– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now

Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.