Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.

But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”

Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.

Her: OMG I love The Rock.

Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?

Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.

Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?

“No thanks.”

Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…

“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”

sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana

“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.

Him: You’re married?

Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.

Him: What about on Friday?

Me: Depends how Thursday goes.

Spotted in the wild

Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.

why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining

I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.

I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair

Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!

Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver

I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.

Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”

There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.

Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.

If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.

🐠

right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson

*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*

Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.

Her: When I was dancing in my panties?

Me: No…Cooking

“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.

*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel

Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday

*angrily detangles self from wind chime*

Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.

Wasn’t this a cartoon.

To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now