i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
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Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying