Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?

me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??

friend: it’s andrew garf-

me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield

worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone

WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know

The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band

You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?

Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .

Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.

WHY would you be happy about this?

IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER

“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”

If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.

I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.

Jesus: [walking past a pond]

[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]

Jesus: [starts walking faster]

Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please

pet shop: please stop calling us

My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.

That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.

My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.

After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit

crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free

Show me on the doll where the sandwich hurt you

Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.

[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”

My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.

I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed

“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”

I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.

The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.

The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot

My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.

I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.

Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most