Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play

What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?

February 14th.

I don’t like video “games” where you gotta run around collecting shit. You’re not fooling me. Those are errands

[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re here

me: no

interviewer: very good

My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.

She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.

Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.

My grandma is fierce.

Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.

Me: I won’t let anything control me!

My bladder: Lmao

My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.

How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?

Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…

1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me

“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me

Amazon prime in the future:

Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow

Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?

casually asking “how do you think you’d do as a pole vaulter” on a first date

Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts

The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.

CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.

My favourite drivers are the designated ones.

I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”

Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!

Kids: Church?

I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.

Hey girl, do you like bad boys?

[drinks milk from carton]

Or REALLY bad boys?

[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]

[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most

The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.

Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.

When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was

Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?

9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.

Me: ok..

9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma

Me: ok so

9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something

Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.

All of the good tweets are either married or gay.

I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.

Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.