Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.

*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*

Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now

Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.

I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.

My wife is talking about the seriousness of hazardous waste and I’m eating ham (that I hid in a tricky corner of a fitted sheet while pretending to fold it) and wow it’s crazy, right?!
*slowly chews the ham*

Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.

In-person meetings at the office are a wonderful way to help your developers take a break from being productive

Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.

Ladies, if he’s never gonna:

-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt you

He’s not your man, he’s tacos

I need to buy new window blinds, but I hate dealing with shady salespeople.

her: I named my baby Susan

me: boring

her: she’s a puppy

me: omg I love it

My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.

Homeschooling update day 3:

Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*

I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.

me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller

her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you

Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar

Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.

me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin

Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.

Think I left the oven on, better turn around

-me, leading a wagon train

“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”

What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?

Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.

Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?

Me: Well how much does the position pay?

Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays

Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?

Boss: Then we won’t hire you

Me: What if I underestimate?

Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!

Billion dollar technology idea:

A printer that works

This feels like a whole lot of trolley problems for a country with hardly any public transportation

My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead

This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him

I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.

fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”

Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.