I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
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Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
You think you’re ageing well and then you feel an earlobe hair blowing in the wind
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.