Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger

I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.

[During an interrogation]

Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly

Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here

*looking a gift horse in the mouth*

– British dentists

If you ring my doorbell on election night and ask for candy you WILL get it.

I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.

My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.

does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual

I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.

Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules

Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.

Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.

School Nurse [calling]: Your child is in my office.
Me: What’s wrong?
Nurse: She’s just overtired.
Me: Join the club.
Nurse: She’s lying down now.
Me: I’ll be right there.
Nurse: Ok. I’ll have her dismissed.
Me: What? No. I’m just coming to lie down, too.

I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.

Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this

I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.

All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.

Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.

Im at the swamp does anyone need anything

Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.

My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.

my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.

*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend

Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie

Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…

Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!

One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone

Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.

[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here

I’ve just bought a new Christmas keyboard for my computer.

There’s No L.

i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me

The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.