I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
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I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”