I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
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Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
me: it’s weird there are so many stoners in high school now. the whole time I was in high school, I never even saw a beer, and no one did drugs
my children:
me:
my children: mom, we don’t know how to tell you this, but they did, you were just a nerd and they didn’t tell you
almost typed dame instead of same and why don’t we say “same, dame” instead of “girl, same”
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
The “police officer” has been a failed experiment, we must return to “lawman” and it’s a guy who’s also the town dentist and saloon proprietor
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.