Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.

Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.

I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .

When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.

meeting beyonce and telling her i loved her in goldmember and mentioning nothing about her music career just to see if it throws her off

When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?

I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.

Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*

Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.

Me: Where did your husband go to law school?

Client: He didn’t.

Me: So you should probably just do what he says.

*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*

Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves

Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.

Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.

[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.

Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby

I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…

It was in the non-friction section.

“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.

HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.

It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing

[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.

“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?

A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.

Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.

*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*

“What’s this idiot doing?”

Red light : Stop

Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution

Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go

Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.

I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas

hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting

me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong

hypnotist: idk whatever

[later]

me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

The secret to work life balance is generational wealth

If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.