I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
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my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…