I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.

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Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.


Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.


met the cutest girl today. her eyes were gentle, like the light from a phone screen and her smile glowed, like the light from a phone screen


Momma bird: welcome to the world!
Baby bird: thx!
M: for the next few months instead of food, I’ma just throw up in your mouth.
B: wait what


word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom


When my doctor first diagnosed me with overly inquisitive syndrome I had a lot of questions.


Dried up sea monkeys taste nothing like chicken. Related: Never ever put your kids seamonkey packets near your cup o’noodles packets. Ever.


*steps on a Lego*

*shouts a bunch of obscenities*

Son: *walks in* is football on?


You: Where’s Carl?

Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind

You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?

Me: Funny you should ask