i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
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me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Friend: Did you see that movie about The Substance?
Me, thinking they’re talking about Flubber: Yeah, wow. Just wow.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
if i say “morning!” to you it does not mean “good morning” i am merely exclaiming in horror that it is morning
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?