i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
You Might Also Like
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
Wait….making the right choices is an option?!
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
It’s above my pay grade to try to debate or change minds on social media. If you want to call a fish a squirrel, you’re right. Look at that squirrel swim
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.