I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
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Imagine the excruciating discomfort of having nothing to say to a child and choosing to compliment it on its gait. I myself don’t have to imagine.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
If I could have lunch with anyone, alive or dead, I would choose alive, because dead people won’t pass the f***ing salt.
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
😾
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower