Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.

For the first half of my life, I thought you could only poop at home. Now I know you can poop anywhere

– my 5yo, unprompted

Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

Funeral Director: Please leave sir

A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.

I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.

we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably

When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”

[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere

I’ll do a psychic reading for you free of charge on account of I have no idea what I’m doing

I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence

“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”

My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.

Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…

What if giving up is overrated?

*first date*

Him: You’re very interesting.

Me: Thank you.

Him: And fun to be around.

Me: That’s nice, thanks.

Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.

Me:

Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.

Me: Check please!

Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”

I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.

Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.

Interviewer : What are your expectations?

Me : Job.

Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?

Me : Salary

Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.

When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.

When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”

[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever

I lost my voice.

If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.

ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.

My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered

teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?

If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.

I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.

Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)

Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?

Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.