I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
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I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
I feel seen.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall