I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
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out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
Library of Alexandria discourse is starting up again and I can’t believe how many people are misinformed on this. So, once again:
Libraries have no natural predators. Burning them down is literally the only way to keep the population under control.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”