Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just stopped by to water my horse.

Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.

He spends all day chilling in the water.

His life is one big pool party.

wtf management?!

“It’s been a bit of a day”

Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”

I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.

Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.

pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family

Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes

Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.

ME: Is that a B or an 8?

HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?

ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.

KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.

If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.

[Darth Vader sitting down]

DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!

Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord

DV: You thought?

*begins force choking*

You have kale’d me for the last time

🤣dope

of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool

Happy Thanksgiving

my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed

Common sense: Walk away.

Me: No.

Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve

[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]

30 seconds later…

Kid: Look mom fur angels

Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.

Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit

How rude of my car GPS to suggest Taco Bell as the first suggested destination, but also thanks it was helpful, that’s where I was going.

Good luck trying to stop kids using their smartphones at school. Their cunning will defeat you. I’m still trying to remove the parental lock my son put on my phone five years ago.

I get it dogs, I wish I could yell at strangers approaching my house too

*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*

New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads

ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,

ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?

You think you’re ageing well and then you feel an earlobe hair blowing in the wind

Interviewer: And your references?

Me: 90’s television mostly.