Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.

The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise

When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?

I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”

satan: i am lord of the underworld.

me: Antarctica?

satan: no it’s much hotter.

me: (nods) Australia.

You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.

My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.

Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.

Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates

If it ain’t broke, my kids haven’t used it yet.

Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”

Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.

[Robbery]
– Give me everything you have!
– I’ve only got this defective set of scales.
– Just hand it over!
– You’ll never get a weigh with this.

I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.

In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button

I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”

If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have neighbors who hand out vegetables for Halloween.

I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found

*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say

The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.

*gets a new lease on life*

*misses first payment*

College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?

Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY

I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.

We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.

Or at least I am.

My conscience is clean.

Alcohol is technically a solvent.

her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.

[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet

When Corner House says something righteous and you just think

Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.

I know this now.

officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football

detective: for crying out loud!

officer: most likely yes

Confidence is important.

Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.