Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.

doctor: describe your morning routine

me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance

doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g

me: I know how to spell it

Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.

[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah

(watching the shower scene in Psycho) I’d kill for that water pressure

Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.

The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.

10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST

There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx

angel: where’d all the zebras go?

God: I put ’em in the desert

angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow

God: I know lol

Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.

A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year

My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk

Got my shingles shot. Just to be safe, I got one against vinyl siding too.

What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day

To all newly married guys…..

If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.

Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”

Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.

Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.

Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.

What level of hell is this?

Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.

I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one

Me: *wearing a short-sleeved button down with mixed flowers and skulls*

Super old lady at the pharmacy: “You know it’s a SIN to make me covet my neighbor’s blouse!”

[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??

I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.

When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.

hear me out…

…lasagna-flavoured cologne

not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured

*licks wrists*

*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone

I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.

If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.