I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
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The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich