I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
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Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
I forgot the word “espresso” so I asked the barista for a smaller, angrier coffee
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips