I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
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Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
*Drunk dials Mr. Clean
My house is soooooo dirty right now.
Pickled cat.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
12 yo: I say “mucho” to all my Spanish speaking friends
me: why?
12: bc it means so much to them
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.