Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.

She’s obviously a newbie.

If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.

So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?

I tell ya, government spending is out of control.

Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’

I was an only child but still refer to myself as the good-looking one.

January 2020: New year, new me.

May 2020: *primal scream*

My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs

I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.

Brie: France
Feta: Greece
Jack: top of the beanstalk

Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?

Yeah, good times

“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates

Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.

How often do you think they wash the Muppets?

1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater

Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl

*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*

HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!

I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.

I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.

water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean

water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani

life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school

(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)

Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?

Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?

I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.

if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40

Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.

Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS

I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”

“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”

I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.

“Do you know anything about this teapot?”

“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”

“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”

RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?

ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*

1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.