Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.

meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned

me: way ahead of you

Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.

Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?

Friend: My oven.

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.

I hope to stop crying soon.

Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….

STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.

DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.

[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over

My joke about a partition wall really split the room

Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.

Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.

If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.

“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that

Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.

I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.

The U.K. ditching their old leadership on July 4th is an appropriation of American culture

If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!

Me: *tips the waiter*

Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*

I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill

sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should

Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.

ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*

A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*

A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*

A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*

A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mE

A: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd

ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards

JUDGE: no can do

Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.

I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”

took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time

Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror

What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you

Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.